Two Stories - A man originally from Kenya, a doctor from Sri Lanka

Over the years, I have received emails from people responding to the Friendship Letter. They have shared how the suicide of a friend or family member has affected them or their family, or they often relate how they have suffered from depressing and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and how they have managed or are managing to cope.

I recently received an email from Chris Okubo who describes his account as:

"a story of a boy - now a man - whose childhood began in Kenya. A boy whose childhood had an outer appearance of being normal and happy. His mother tries to save him and his siblings by escaping to America, where her son grows up into a seemingly normal man, but is tormented by his childhood and becomes an alcoholic and a notorious womanizer." Chris has created a website that explains how he turned to his faith, after nearly killing himself using an automobile."

You can visit his website at: http://www.chrisokubo.com/.

Another email recently came from a doctor in Sri Lanka. Dr. Nilvala Vijayasiri wrote:

"I am a doctor from Sri Lanka, happily married for 12 years, having three children.

There were five in our family, I being the youngest with two brothers and two sisters. We became four on Christmas eve of 1980. My eldest sister, second in the family, walked out one sunny morning, walking about three kilometres to lie down on a railtrack.

My father was alcoholic. There were frequent, almost daily fights between the parents. My mother was a hardworking woman. But foolhardy at times. There were many separations and unions. This was life from our birth. It was a life which had no constancy. No solace. A life lived in poverty and shame in a middle class neighbourhood. It was the shame, frustration and hopelessness that sent my 19 year old sister to her death. She was a responsible, honest and just character. She was like our second mother.

We all thought of suicide. We promised each other we would not resort to it for it would only bring more shame and heartache for the others. Yet, she being the eldest of sisters, the burden may have been too much to bear.

My second brother saw her lying dead on the rail tracks. Later, he was in the wilderness of drug abuse and vagabond life for nearly 20 years, coming out of it as if by a miracle, just 3 years ago. So we are at least four again.

My elder brother joined the army, topped his batch and went on to have a good career there. My second sister and I entered Law and Medical faculties and are now an attorney and a doctor respectively. The best thing to have happened is that my second brother came out of his wilderness to be with us again.

When I look back, I feel, that if only my elder sister had some energy left to live on for another year or two, she may have escaped the rot we were in to forge her own life and career like we did. The pain in each of us is still very great. It still brings tears. Most definitely it will never go away.

We are taught that everything in life is temporary. All material things are impermanent. Our happinesses do not last for ever. But then it is also true with the sadness. True with so called no win situation. Nothing can last for ever. Situations are bound to change. The key then is patience and looking out. Sometimes it is difficult to find help. It was for us. We did not know where to turn to when our lives as children became miserable. Especially in a country like Sri Lanka where precious few sources exist even now let alone two or three decades back.

I do not know whether by reading this any one who has thoughts of sadness and suicide would benefit. I sincerely hope so. That was the only reason for my making these comments. Anybody who wishes to correspond is welcome to do so. I hope I could be of some help to some body in their time of need. Some thing we did not have when we were children."

In both these stories, and a constant theme of the letters that I receive, is that there is "the appearance" of a normal, happy home life or childhood, when in actual fact there is an abundance of inhumaneness or cruelty. But there is often a general lack of simple kindness that enables one to grow and "be" in a safe, loving and caring environment.

Tragically, there is great shame and stigma associated with suicidal thoughts and feelings and mental health in general. With this cloud of shame/stigma to whom can one turn to in desperate times - a family member, teacher, friend, personal physician or member of the clergy? I remember telling a member of the clergy, many years ago, about how depressed I was. His answer was simple "I had nothing to depressed about. I had a good home, family, successful career and was of good health." This response only led me to feel even more helpless in my despair. Often, people simply do not know how to respond to a depressed and suicidal loved one. For this reason, I included in the Suicide Prevention Help Web directory a category entitled Helping Someone.

Fortunately, there are many suicide prevention or crisis hotlines that offer a truly caring and empathetic ear. The people who man these telephone lines are trained and do not judge someone simply because life is giving them a rough go. If you need to find a crisis center, please browse Crisis Centers to find support anywhere in the world.

Finally, one can learn how to begin treating oneself and others with genuine kindness. I created a free online course and eBook called A Guide in Humane Awareness. This program leads learners towards a deeper appreciation of how kindness, cruelty and humaneness impact one's life.

I have learned, over the years, that no matter how bad I felt about the particular situation I was in, that if I performed an act of kindness towards another, or especially towards myself, the painful feelings I was experiencing abated, and I was given the opportunity to appreciate the simple goodness that is within. This goodness, or the essential core of an individual, is the life-supporting force that enables one to live without shame, and offers one the courage to ask for help.